Michael who?

On Sunday evening I attended a wine and cheese party at a family friend's house with my husband and 14 year old.  This family has 5 siblings, all about my age, 2 lawyers, 1 doctor, 1 commercial real estate developer, and a musical production director.  All very successful.  I am not comfortable in social situation such as this, and I felt very out of place and alone, along with my teenage daughter who was even more uncomfortable than I was.  I answered questions about our business, and personal life, and decided that if I were to tell them anything about the real me, the one who lives and loves Michael every minute of my life, they would definitely think I was completely off my rocker!  I mentioned that I went to L.A. in January, but not why I went or what I did.

When we got home, the Grammy's were on, and I felt sad that Michael will never be there again, the music world seems to be moving on.

I woke up on Monday, feeling depressed and miserable.  I was wondering if Michael would gradually be forgotten, people like me would fade away, nothing would really change.  It was an awful feeling.  Driving my daughter to school, I asked her, "What if the world forgets about Michael, and never catches on to what he really was about?"   Since she was a captive audience, I continued, "Last night I couldn't really mention Michael to those people, they wouldn't have understood me."  Then I heard myself say, "But I don't really know that do I?   If I mentioned him, they might have said, 'I grew up singing and dancing to Michael, I love him.'  Or the musical director might have said that Michael was the reason he decided to follow that career.  Since I didn't give them a chance, I might have missed out on making a connection or sharing Michael's message with someone."
My daughter said, "Wow, that story sure didn't end up where I thought it was headed!"
I said, "I know, I hadn't thought of that at all before I said it."
It wasn't that the world would forget Michael, but that I had denied him during that party.  I held back, because I didn't want to be uncomfortable talking about him with someone who might not understand.  By doing that I had missed the opportunity to share Michael with others, and to be myself.  This was the real cause of my morning depression.  I had let myself and him down by not being true to who I am.  This doesn't mean I should have related all the details of my pilgrimage to LA last month, but I could have at least been forthcoming and honest about where my true interest and direction lies.

Whenever I do not say yes to my heart, no matter how hard it might seem to be to do at the time, I can feel my energy lower.  When I stay true to my feelings, there is no limit to the bliss that fills me up.  This is a lesson I will remember.  There will be times when this situation arises again, and I know I will not let it pass me by again.

I'm sorry Michael.  Please forgive me.  Thank you.  I love you.